They say – Seeing is believing. We end up believing what we see to be true. But these days, we have a new discovery that we have made and are following, apart from seeing and believing and that is – pass judgements on people. When you don’t see people doing things normally, as per “society norms” – give them a label or a tag, give your commentary or give your judgement on their lives, decisions and on them as a human beings. These new breed of people are called – “judgmental people”.
Have we ever thought why sometimes people’s lives are different and not normal to how everyone lives. Without knowing the reality, their side of story and truth, we end up destroying their inner peace, question their sanctity by passing judgements on them, labelling them and making them more ashamed and least respected.
I was watching a reality show the other day, where the host shared a participant’s video on his life. This contestant was a mediocre garment factory quality control officer who was married for 5 years but his wife lived in another city working as a radio jockey, something she was always passionate about doing. He shared how they meet up for only few days or a month in the whole year. He shared the real reason behind this distance – of how financial situations at home, a home loan of 18 lakh rupees and an ailing father’s medical treatments forced them to work on their jobs harder to earn and support their family. While sharing on how they had to choose family responsibilities over love, he mentioned how his neighbours, friends, relatives judged their relationship and criticised them saying that they were not compatible which is why they are living separately or because they have extra marital affairs etc. It was disheartening to see how the couple became emotional sharing the trauma they faced because of societal judgments and how hard they are trying to be there for each other inspite of the distance.
How easily we pass our opinions and judgments without knowing the person’s struggles and stories. People should individually understand that we should not be judging and disappointing people basis the choices they make, because we do not know what choices they had that they ended up with such decisions.
Judgemental people are everywhere. You come across a new person, relative, friend, colleague – you begin to share your experiences with them and they begin to judge you on your choices, your opinions, your decisions and on your life. Just because you had an arranged marriage, doesn’t mean someone in love is an outcast or is sinful, you may have a corporate job but just because someone is following their passion you can’t judge them. A woman having a corporate job is not acceptable – how could you judge that?.
My friend shared her experience of visiting a relative for lunch at their place. It was not a happy experience she thought it would be. The kind of questions her aunt put her through made her very uncomfortable that my friend’s whole purpose of just going there to get along, create a bond seemed utter waste. Her aunt asked her questions like , “how long have you been working?” When she said , “5 years” – immediately her age was calculated and another question hit her straight – “why aren’t you getting married?. You should have been settled by now”. When she put her point of view of how she’s supporting her parents, her daily routine was questioned. She was immediately judged that she’s not settling which means she’s enjoying her freedom. Weekends would go hanging out with friends, shopping, wear dresses, go out alone etc. Poor my friend! She is very sensitive and when she was judged like this, she felt really bad. She didn’t fight back to tell them how she handles home and office, supports her parents financially, how she spends her weekends getting groceries,veggies, medicines, cooking with her mother that she doesn’t get time for herself. Let alone meet me – her best friend. For a girl to take this humiliation of her own life was not right. She didn’t deserve this. And my friend never answered back her aunt, as elders these days term it as “disrespectful” if we respond back saying “aunty, you’re wrong”. She queitly took the humiliation but I’m sure she was fighting in her mind that she was taken all wrong.
When a girl is not getting married post 25, that does not give people the liberty to question her intentions, her sanctity/virginity or her freedom. She might not be ‘enjoying’ as you think but she could be keeping her family responsibilities ahead of her own self, that no one sees and respects. Her parents might need her most which is why she is juggling home office and supporting them, giving them much time to make them feel wanted. For my friend, her parents are her children. She does every little bit of support she can. I’m proud of the woman she is and I look up to it. If sons can be independent, work, support their families why not women?. My friend is the only daughter to her family and is supporting her family with all she could. She’s being the ‘man of the house’ herself. Don’t judge her struggles that you don’t see and break her this way
There are some questions you should ask yourself – do you think their judgments are worthy enough for you to focus and lament on them ?? Do you think you should explain your stand to them and they will understand and change their opinions? Do you think they will ever have a heart to see your side and sympathise?. The answer is a straight “No”. These days we need to base our lives less on people’s opinions and more on our truths and strengths. Remember – Those who judge will never understand and those who understand will never judge you. You do not have to accept people’s opinions/comments , they do not know the truth, and they have no right of interference or even to pass judgments.
There’s a story behind every person, there’s a reason why they are the way they are. Think about that before you judge someone. Small things to remember before you go through such judgments and when you think of passing one for others –
1. When someone shares something with you, support sympathise or choose a right way to guide them but please do not judge them.
2. Your point of views could be stronger than others. Hold on to them until asked. Do not term or label people or boast your views just because you want to show your stand. Sometimes it’s unnecessary to be doing the boasting.
3. Before you pass comments or your judgments, think how the other person would feel if you said it. Put your feet in their shoes and see how you would’ve felt if you were put through it.
4. Choose to remain silent till you know the entire truth of your friend/colleague. He/she may just tell you something but as soon as you comment, they might just refrain from sharing anything with you. These are the reasons people go under depression, suicide, kill themselves all because they don’t have someone who could hear them out nor support them. Just because you label them or comment, these people hide in their nutshell and weep. When you don’t see their pain, don’t comment on their happiness at least.
5. For those who get easily hurt by people’s opinions, remember what matters to you the most – your struggles, your wins in life and the way you are living your life or the numerous not-so-good opinions people gave to whatever you told them. Remember – you do good or you do bad, people always have something to say. Thousand mouths will give you thousand opinions. You cannot keep abiding and accepting everything.
6. If you really want to share something, write it down. Have a journal where you could record your wins, Victories, your learnings. The joy in writing and reading them today or years later will definitely be the best thing you could do. This is one of my ways too of being happy with myself – people will judge you for your wins, but your journal will not :).
This is the icing on the cake – The happiest people are evaluating and improving themselves. The unhappy people are judging and evaluating others. When you judge another, you are not defining them, you are defining yourself!
Choose wisely :). Spread Love – Love is lack of being judgmental!!