The Bollywood guide to communication!!

Bollywood has projected the true essence of India in many ways – in terms of our bondings, our relationships, our dreams, aspirations, our families, our culture etc. A lot fictional but heart touching too.

I’m a great fan of Bollywood, having more of romantic and inspirational movies as my favorite than all other genres. A die hard romantic at heart but somewhere movies leave a lasting impression for me for good. I’m one of those completely crazy chaps who literally goes ‘Awww’ing at any romantic scene or dialogue.

Think of the movies like – Kuch Kuch hota hai where Kajol left Shah Rukh without confessing her love or Chak De India where Shah Rukh was not given a chance to prove his innocence on being blamed for the loss of match and it took him years to return to coach a women’s team.

Why I am taking the Bollywood route here is, to shift your focus to the biggest chord of relationships – Communication. The key to any relationship be it with parents, your friends, your life partner or even at work is definitely communication. Bollywood has been a great medium to showcase the different colors of communication and relationships, just everything under the sun.

From Bollywood perspective, I know if Kajol had confessed her love in the beginning or In Chak de, if Shah Rukh proved his innocence at first – then for sure there wouldn’t have been a love story on friendship nor an inspiring story of a coach giving his best to the country by training a women’s team in the most unconventional manner. I draw a great parallel between Bollywood and real life in terms of relationships, bondings etc. I would love to outline my perspective of communication in comparison to Bollywood with it’s varied colors.

Cutting straight to real life – not everyone gets a second chance to prove their innocence or confess thoughts that are on your mind. How often have I heard people say that they had a crush on someone to whom they never confessed or even parents for that matter – how often do we tell them we love them or even apologise for being rude or spare more time and talk to them on calls, when you are away from them. I have seen how life can bring you to the stage of guilt and there are only regrets left , nothing else.

I have had my share of realisations and observations that were definitely a learning experience for me. Right from my interactions with my parents, my family to my friends or observing colleagues’ and their relationships. I always liked my late cousin brother who was such an inspiration to me. When he passed away last year, I only have guilt within me that I never got a chance to praise him, give him a hug, tell him how much I admire him etc. Now Everytime I think of him, I end up saying – ” How I wish I had…. “.

I have often realized and lamented the fact that we take our parents for granted. There have been times when I would want to take care of them , be with them 24/7 because in their old age they become your children, but you have other responsibilities that pull you off to another world. I really admire people working out of their homes, staying in different cities, away from their parents earning and making a living. I have observed how difficult it gets for them but these days technology has helped them to a great extent to keep in touch with their children. Most of us crib of how much technology has affected our relationships but look at the boon side to it – these days our parents aged 60-70s are adapting to new technology to stay in touch with their children be it via WhatsApp,video calling, posting pictures on Instagram in remembrance of their kids or even emailing. There’s a great sense of happiness to it. I’m sure they miss the old times of letters and postcards but they are beginning to adapt to change for the sake of their children. Think of the movie Border, where every soldier feels so happy on receiving a letter from their loves ones and how they were able to express their love only through these letters or when they met their families once in 6 months. Think of the scenario now, how much strength and encouragement a video call or a message from their families holds to them.

Remember the movie, English Vinglish where Sridevi begins to learn English to support her family, to prove to her husband and kids that she has more to herself than just being great at making laddoos. It is how a mother takes it up on herself to prove and be on toes with her kids and husband and learn English so that she is on par with them.

Bollywood is a great example of communication when it comes to expressing love by parents or partners. Observe Shah Rukh in Kal ho na ho or Ranbir in Ye Jawaani hai diwani – the openness in expressing their feelings towards Preity and Deepika, brings about a sweet essence of love in friendship. How Shah Rukh annoys Preity but yet brings out the best side of her forms the crux of any relationship. It is important to have both the sweet and salty element in every relationship to keep up the spice in life :). The other point to highlight is definitely openness. Be Frank and open to your partner, speak your heart out, at the same time the other partner listening should not judge or draw conclusions based on the conversations. That spoils the entire relationship. Think of Kareena in Jab we met, how much she chatters. Every girl is that talkative who wants a Shahid to listen to her all the time and smile at the madness (Though post marriage the scenario gets depressing hahaha).

I have a big realization that every person wants to be heard in some or the other way, but is queit and secluded, all because of fear of being judged and questioned. Do not judge your partner, he/she shares something with you with the trust that you are listening to them, and you will respect their views or make them understand what is right or wrong and not judge them. Live up to their trust. Think of Dear Zindagi, how Alia approached Shah Rukh, who was unbiased, selfless yet so practical and full of experience to have helped her come out of her depression in the most smoothest manner with life’s simplest lessons. Why do you think people under depression go to counselors and psychiatrists for help? Because they want unbiased, non judging people to listen to their cries, pains and help them find a way without having to judge them or demean them.

I feel we all need that one unbiased, non judging person who will treat us as our own, listen to our crazy talks peacefully without jumping to any conclusions about our character or life. We all should learn to be unbiased to our loved ones at least and not make them feel left out or judged.

Communication also underlines the fact of problem solving. How often have we seen couples or parents or the children fight or quarrel for the smallest of issues , in terms of opinions, choices, challenges, decisions etc. These issues big or small become so baseless at times that we tend to pull them for months together, unnecessary assumptions are made, talks don’t happen and it just eats up our relationships like the termites. Do not let that happen. The best method to resolve issues is to talk. To converse, to confront. May be the assumptions you make of the other person may not be true, the story could be different. Be frank to speak up and tell the other person what you did not like or like and give a chance for him/her to explain. Give a ear to the conversation, and then take decisions. This helps strengthen your relationship for good.

Like for me, my mother does not appreciate me for any little thing I do but when something goes wrong in a silly manner , she definitely scolds me. I have told my mother about how I don’t like this habit of hers . She tries sometimes not to be this strict. Such should be the level of clarity maintained in relationships. This reminds me of 3 Idiots where Madhavan built great courage to confront his conservative parents to pursue his passion in photography than take up engineering. It takes a lot of courage to be frank and truthful but it is important to share your perspectives than assume and regret later. The same holds for spouses or partners or friends or children. Speak to them in the most polite way to clear out issues rather than bottling them up within yourselves.

This may sound funny but I have a rule in my head that when I get married and my life partner and I have a fight (silly or serious) , I would ensure to talk to him before we go to bed, get things cleared, we hug and I hold his hand tight and sleep. That is my way of living up to the best relationship I would ever have and want to cherish. I don’t want to have a bonding of Jaya and Amitabh in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, where Amitabh did not give Jaya enough freedom to put forth her opinion or even respected her everytime she shared something. Instead I want to have a relationship like Hema and Amitabh of Baghban – near or far they always had each other on their mind, with constant care and understanding and that always strengthened their love, come what may.

We don’t realize that we are losing time in cherishing the bonding. Life is too short to fret, regret, be guilty about. The more you keep things to your heart, the more they eat up your time, your peace and space. Chuck issues like a six in the cricket match. The farther the ball (issues in this case) , the more happy and rejoicing you will be :).

When I focus on communication, it does not only highlight the fact of resolving issues but also being appreciative of each other’s good. For example , look at the effort our mothers take to make our meals, be it simple dal chawal to pulao or biryani. Maa ke haath ka khana – a lot of emotions attached to it. But we rarely appreciate their efforts. They care a lot for our hunger than theirs that they are always on the lookout, if salt was proper in the dal, if the rotis were enough, if something was amiss etc. Try appreciating their dishes first, see how their concern turns to the biggest relief they have ever had. I have seen that at my home with my mother when keeps asking my brother and me if the food was good, if the quantity was enough, if we had on time etc. The moment we appreciate I have seen her smile, that’s priceless. It’s not just for us, but mothers care for our friends equally and when they pack food for them, there is immense love in it and I have sensed it in my case , during college when my bestie and her mom, packed dosas for me all the time because of my love for dosas. My case was equal to my friends when my mom made something for them. Every mother’s love – cannot be measured but can be appreciated.

This holds true to every other human being. Learn to appreciate their efforts. Every appreciation gives a big boost to the relationship. Try it in your case, see how the magic happens. Even in the case of our kids for that matter – think of Taare Zameen Par, where Darsheel, the kid sparks magic with his paintings and art but his parents never appreciated that and when Aamir did, he build a great bond with him. Appreciations definitely go a long way. Even in corporate life. Do not allow your employees feel unnoticed. Appreciate their efforts and acknowledge their contributions to the team, then see how they go an extra mile to put in more and more dedication and hard work (experience speaks).

Om Shanti om – the movie though too filmy for anyone to digest the reincarnation, but I fell in love with one dialogue – “Happy’s endings. If it’s not a happy ending, then it’s not the end. Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost“. For me, life’s every moment is a movie scene on its own. Learn to cherish your relationships. Feel people close to your heart. Have good bondings, spend good times to make beautiful memories. We meet many people in our lives, everyone leaves an imprint in your life for good or bad but there’s always a learning. I cherish my relationships, though I don’t get to meet in person I try to keep in touch through my messages, I keep flipping through photos and feel nostalgic of old memories. Frankly I’m really helpless in times of being in touch but I try. Another point to highlight is – it does not mean that if a person not in front of you, then he/she is not important. You can be on the person’s mind so much that he/she could be thinking of you but never got a chance to express it to you.

My best end has to be Kal ho na ho’s dialogue – (translated version) – Today … today share one more smile … today pray one more time … today drink one more tear … today live one more life … today see one more dream … today … who knows, there may be no tomorrow :).

The 16 best life lessons kids teach us!

Children these days really amaze us. Their talks, their actions can really surprise us to the extent that we start thinking of how we as kids were – merely this smart and completely naive and innocent.

We always think it is our responsibility to teach kids values, qualities etc but these days kids teach us too. If you observe how the kids these days think, talk or their acts – there is so much that they teach us which could definitely be lessons for life. There is a reason why children are considered next to God – they are naive, naughty, innocent, sweet, free from bias and very clear headed (until we cajole them to think in our terms).

Observing them can really be a great learning experience like I have had so far with interactions with kids – be it my own brother’s kids, kids at an orphanage I have interacted, stories I know of kids of my colleagues etc.

They teach us life’s simplest lessons in the most naive and no nonsense way. Let me share the 15 best lessons that I have observed from watching little children.

1. Lesson of letting it go – How often have you seen kids easily switch their liking from old toys to new or their behavior from crying an hour ago to laughing? Have you seen how kids fight in one moment and then become best of friends in another? I can relate to this as I have realized that when I was a kid and I had fights with my friends, the next day we were back to normal. No questions on who did what, whose mistake it was, who was supposed to apologise etc. The focus was more on the importance of relationship than the importance of such events. Like the kids, we also should be following this lesson of letting go – be it events, situations, anger, grudges or even misunderstandings. It’s the best lesson children teach us.

2. Lesson of sharing – We have seen quite often that kids don’t share anything with anybody unless we as elders or parents coax them to. At a birthday party, you ask your little one to share his snacks with your colleague’s friend – of course he won’t. But there are times when children have their sense of wisdom to share. For example, I saw this video on Instagram where there was a test among kids (with their parents standing behind them) to walk down the street with some cash in their hand and they had to choose between buying an ice cream at the ice cream van (standing on one side) or giving alms to a beggar sitting across the road. Most kids were confused but actually chose to run to the beggar and give him the money. There was one kid who went to the extent of buying an ice cream cone and giving it to the beggar and these kids were not told by their fathers waiting behind them what to do. The kids walked down and then decided on their own. Such is the power of sharing. This teaches us that we should really share among the less fortunate ones, that gives us immense happiness just like the kids felt in this video.

3. Lesson of adapting to change or something new – Have you noticed how kids take time to adapt to their new school or when you are going to visit your relatives etc , kids take sometime to adjust to the new environment. They tend to become queit, more observant, some may even refuse to be at that place and cry but notice how eventually they begin to adjust, get used to the place, people, making friends playing jumping around that they adapt to that environment within the time you are ready to go back home in a matter of 2-3 hours. Such is the human tendency to adapt to changes. If we as humans, overthink so much before adapting to any change then we should learn from little kids who observe the new environment, make a picture of comfort in their minds and slowly get used to it. Try this little trick when you’re contemplating to incorporate any change. Remember – ‘It is not the strongest of the species nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change”.

4. Lesson of happiness – It is said that a child’s happiness is the best happiness because they smile or laugh without any reason. Take a deeper look at the pictures of kids smiling be it your own kids, nieces nephews, kids on the street or any picture with the kids smiling – observe the genuineness and no reason smile that the kids have on their faces. They do not have an exact reason when they are happy or that could also be because of the toys or family around but the genuineness of their smile touches my heart instantly. Their happiness is love at first sight for me , makes anybody happy instantly. Such should be our happiness – not attached to any reason of events, people or situations. Selfless happiness or more importantly, without any reason.

5. Lesson of hidden love behind sweet actions – Ever wondered how kids teach us the biggest lessons with their smallest actions? – be it getting your shoes when you’re going to office or even doing little things like writing you little notes with their broken alphabets or even their amateur drawings – observe their acts, behavior and even their drawings. They tell you a lot about their feelings towards you. Like in my case, my niece and nephew make cards on special days and they are always hand made. The words that are in those cards are exactly what they feel for me, irrespective of the fact that they have learnt only minimal to write or read. On my birthday this time, my niece also made a small notepad with lines drawn with sketch pens. I asked her, “Should I write phone numbers in these just in case I get lost?” and she responds – “No. Write letters to me in this and send”. That is all her response was. My brother and his family stay really far from my home and I do not see them often and my niece’s words touched my heart , I felt how much she misses me and I gave her a tight hug. Their innocence can be very silly but their feelings behind their actions express their immense love for you. What we can learn from their feelings is that they express, by their sweetest actions, their words – every little way they can they do.

6. Lesson of having big dreams and proudly proclaiming – Kids though are very naive yet they have their big dreams. I went to an orphanage recently to celebrate my birthday and spent sometime with the kids there and all the kids had something or the other to share. Each one kept screaming, “I want to be a policeman”, “I want to be a chief minister” etc. They are not aware of the process of achieving these goals, that their dreams are very big , yet they have the pride in which they announce and tell people they meet, it speaks so much about their interest and passion. All of us have big goals but why don’t we pursue it? They all die due to our overthinking of how we will work on it or what you should do to pursue it, will I be able to achieve it etc. Did you know, when you get strong with your dreams or goals, when you begin to speak more of it to people, write about it or think of it more and more, you get aligned to it slowly and closely and that pushes you to take steps to achieving it. Stop your mind from getting any negative thinking and innumerable fears. Get your mind to talk of your dreams, this helps you get closer to achieving it. We need to have a sense of pride like the kids to pursue our dreams rather than lament for not doing anything in life. Think about it!

7. Lesson of learning new things – Ever noticed when kids start kindergarten or play school and they learn new alphabets, rhymes etc how they start to constantly keep rattling it. They continuously keep murmuring to themselves, keep repeating it on constant basis and also bring about their versions as well. That is the best way to learn new things and also start loving it. Make yourself available to learning new things in life. May be you cannot keep rattling like they do but you can definitely fall in love with learning them and mastering them. Kids also fall in love with new things taught in school, that’s the reason they keep saying it continuously, they tell their parents in excitement. Notice the joy in their minds and faces when they say those rhymes and alphabets. Such excitement is required for us to be open and to enjoy learning new things.

8. Embracing new adventures – When you take your children to an amusement park or a mela as you call it, some kids get scared to try high rides, some get excited and want to try. I faced a similar experience with my 10 year old nephew. His school had an exhibition cum mela organised which had some fun rides like roller coaster, giant wheel etc. For me, going for any ride is a phobia already. Fear of falling or accidents are the phobias I have developed from my childhood so I’m very selective in going for rides. But my nephew was just the opposite. He chose to try every ride, with no nervousness, no tension, no super excitement feeling as well. He went to the roller coaster ride, smiled throughout the ride and came back happily. The same happened in giant wheel and other scary rides (scary according to me lol). I was amused by his joy – the joy of completing the ride and still feeling undeterred with heights or speed and still remaining calm with a smile. His attitude that I observed is something I want to learn and also wanted to share with you – Life brings us adventure of every sort, it is to us to decide how we want to face it. If you are fearful in your mind, you would not try it and later be guilty of not taking that chance. But if you take it in good spirits, you might enjoy that one of a kind experience and come out happily for having tried it and gaining a different experience altogether. This is life’s biggest lesson I learnt from my nephew. Think about it!

9. Lesson of observing and learning – This is a lesson for every parent, family members that all kids learn from observing your actions, behavior and attitude. Be wary of them when they are around you , when you are angry, frustrated, shouting at your parents or spouse. Kids are noticing all of it. They would not tell you what they feel or how they felt about it but it is important we set good examples to them, be it with our habits, our behavior, our attitude, our actions etc. When you’re smoking at home, getting irritated or shouting at your family members, snoring all day or working on your laptop without giving them attention, disrespecting the poor, getting physical on the road etc they notice all of it. So a lesson we need to learn is that we have to be wary of this fact and behave in good ways because kids observe, immitate us and learn from us. Even TV shows – ensure that they are watching healthy shows as that shapes their behavior at the age they are.

Also notice their acts or even their drawings, it shows that they put to paper what they have observed. Like when my brother’s kids make their drawings, it speaks a lot of what they have observed and how they know things work. When parents are separate, notice how it shows up on their behavior (all queit and to themselves) and even their drawings – they begin to feel that their mother or father are far from them. That’s the impact human actions have on their minds. We are their examples, they do not think good or bad but they model everything you do. So be a good model to them :).

This can also be applicable to us. When we want to learn something from people we meet, interact etc, the best way is to observe them. Observe their mindset, their behavior, their actions, the attitude of calmness and positivity they maintain and try to incorporate it within yourself. This is called modelling. It is said to be one of the best ways of learning attitudes and behaviors for our good.

10. Stubborn for what we want in life – Kids are very stubborn. All of us have noticed their tactics, their stubbornness be it for not eating food or getting something they have been demanding. They are very adamant when it comes to getting what they want – from new toys to chocolates to new stuffs they see on TV or what they see with their friends. How I wish we had the same stubbornness to pursue our life goals, be it running a marathon, trekking Mount Everest, traveling the world or simply maintaining a healthy lifestyle or even pursuing your passion or interest. This stubbornness is needed even for us grown ups, that is how we will feel proud of our accomplishments. Rather than lamenting and letting your future kids pursue your passions, why not you take it up on yourself to pursue them for good??.

11. Lesson of keeping up the naughtiness – Kids are best known for their trademark naughtiness. Notice how life to them is – full of freedom, living life on their own terms, screaming, jumping, chattering their hearts out, dancing their heart out, scribbling on walls, making friends, being happy in their own small ways. They don’t mind doing things that their heart says irrespective of people watching them.

For them, life is not bound by rules, so why should we?. It’s okay to share your feelings, it’s okay to scream out of happiness once in a while, it’s okay to make someone laugh by pulling their leg, it’s okay to get emotional. Let your parents feel that you are still their happy naughty kid. When they smile and laugh, the sense of content feeling that you get on seeing their joy is priceless. Like I keep my happy naughty self up at home with my parents, acting childish at times but that’s needed. Growing up is boring definitely but don’t let your naughtiness die down and be a little careful of the goofiness you resort to, owing to some people not taking it in good spirit.

12. Lessons of good behavior – Parents can relate to this lesson really well. When it comes to ensuring that kids listen to you and behave well, you take them on your lap, cuddle them, tell them pacifying stories and they listen to you. But when you get angry on them for not behaving right, see the anger and stubbornness that gets built up in their behavior, how they start making faces, start throwing things and also start crying. The best lesson learnt here is anybody or anything can change only with love and understanding. Any sort of violence, abuse does not bring good change, only love does, only care does. As the saying goes – “The way we talk to our children, becomes their inner voice“.

My parents and even my brother and sister in law do not resort to scolding harshly or beating us or their kids, because that’s not how kids learn or change for good, it makes them more stubborn. One of my colleague shared this incident where his son was watching TV for long the other day and did not have his food, so he told him sternly it’s TV or food. His son began to cry instantly because he found it harsh. Kids change with love and with good stories. Try this way of inculcating good behavior in them. It works 200%.

13. Lesson of speaking truth upfront – How often do we keep sic names and talk behind people’s backs in cowardly manner. We do this with people we meet, friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbours etc. ‘That fatty, that smarty pants, that idiot’ etc but in front of them we are all respectful , caring etc. See the hypocrite nature we are all resorting to, at the same time look at kids. They don’t like someone they say it on their face. ‘She’s stupid, he’s very naughty, my teacher is strict, she beats me etc’. Kids have nothing to hide. If my colleague fails to get what his nephew wants, he is called “Bad uncle”. Now that’s how kids are – as clear as crystals, as clean and pure as water. They have nothing to hide. They even tell your conversations to others and that is definitely embarrassing for you but it’s also a lesson. Be the way you want others to be with you. If you have a problem with people tell them upfront and be clear. My niece tells her father how he gets grumpy at times , what she likes and dislikes about him. Our nature and attitude should be the same. You are not happy about something or about someone, tell them upfront. What benefit is it for you to tell the third or fourth person and then waste your time and not clearing up issues, instead you’re building more tensions and sour relationships. Think strongly, act logically!.

14. Stories and art bring out the best – Kids love stories, colors and sketching. See the enthusiasm they have when you start telling them stories or hand over a color pen or a pencil and they start to scribble, make their amateur drawings and art and coloring etc. Notice the amazing interest and focus they showcase when they begin all these activities. They don’t care about being perfect or bad or what people or even their parents will say. They maintain a clear cut focus with their curious eyes and hands working on their kinda masterpiece. The happiness that the end product gives them is precious and priceless. Art definitely is a great gift and healer. We end up not trying things or showcasing our talent out of fear of what people would say but for kids, even their craziest drawings which look funny, a little out of place or even make someone laugh turn out to be their best masterpieces and they are proud of it. The moral of the story here is, no matter what you want to try your hands on, with little or no knowledge, attempt it. If it turns out bad, it’s a learning to try more. If it turns out good, you are a great artist.

They try their hands at everything without expecting to be perfect. Unlike us who fear not trying new things in the fear of not being perfect. They teach us that it’s not necessary to be perfect to be amazing.

15. Love knows no bounds – Children do not see any barriers of religion, race, color, caste when it comes to showing their love. This is the most important lesson for all of us to learn from them. We tend to become selective , begin to judge people by their physical looks, color, age, habits etc but the kind of friendship and love that kids portray is selfless and not limited to any color, race or any barriers that the world is currently facing. Even to animals , the less fortunate ones etc – the kids show selfless love and that is truly admirable.

16. Keep up the curiosity by asking questions – Don’t we sometimes wonder how much these kids question us? They have a question for everything. This shows their curiosity to question, to ponder, to ask even if it’s the most silly questions they have in their little minds. That’s how we should function our minds too. By asking questions, by being curious to learn all the time and being less judgmental and more proactive to learn.

Kids are plain canvases and free from any prejudices like my manager shared after reading this blog. There’s a lot of truth in what he mentions. We could also look up to it and start our lives afresh and refrain from any prejudices.

Kids are the best and the sweetest form of the Almighty’s creation from whom we can learn the best lessons of life. They are worth admiring, adoring and loving endlessly. Wishing you are able to make your life as wonderful as the kids teach us with these lessons.

Change – Painful yet beautiful!

Life is all about change but change is always frightening. Change is sometimes painful, sometimes beautiful but most times it’s both. They say, “Change is inevitable”. You can’t do without changes in life. How often has it been easy to switch our habits, goals, lifestyle, our attitude, behavior etc?? It’s never that easy!!. We always fight within ourselves for the discomfort we feel when we change anything in our surrounding or within ourselves. This fight is within us, within our minds.

Do you know how the mindset of each individual works? If a person brings about a change in his/her routine for the very first time, the mind triggers in discomfort giving a signal to your body about the unusual routine or sudden change. This way the feeling of uneasiness, unusual behavior and sudden surge of pressure or worry arises throughout your body. This also sometimes leads to fear. Fear creates blocks in your mind instantly. Fear of loss, fear of heights, fear of failures, fear of the unknown etc become prominent in your mind making it difficult for you to adapt to a new lifestyle or habit or behavior.
On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances.

That is the main reason why we have different brain rules devised to adapt to change in a systematic manner. Using these brain rules, if a person does/performs a task certain number of times or begins to repeat or relive those moments, it becomes a habit and he gets used to that routine/lifestyle or habit or behavior instantly. The mind gets the signal of comfort when a person has smoked or performed a certain task at a certain time or lived in a certain space on a continuous basis. This way the mind adapts to those habits. Like the 21/90 rule – this rule states that a person should have a personal or a professional goal for which, if he/she works on, for 21 days straight then it becomes a habit post which it can be carried on for the next 90 days.

In spite of change being uncertain and difficult, the good news is that science has proven that change can happen in stages. If there is a structure that is studied, tried, tested and maintained then change can be inculcated easily. Change can be brought out in structures – every little step , every baby step will work wonders :). We need to eliminate fears in this process of bringing in change which are also more associated with the behaviors of individuals. Let’s follow some steps to observe our behavior during the process of inculcating change so that we can make the process easy :).

1. Think of the consequences – Before you decide to bring about change, think of the end product or result of that change. Pen down the benefits or productive fruits that the change can get you. This way , your mind focusses on the end result and begins to take the first step. If the mind is reminded of the change benefits, it makes it easier for the process to be carried as the truth is that your mind works on benefits. When the end result is fed to your mind, it easily begins to picture it and work towards it. This context best suits for your goals – any goal that you have in mind, when you think of the end result of victory, achievement, growth or success , your mind begins to crave for it and begins to work in ways of attracting it.

2. Change should be positive – When the change is positive, the mind begins to adapt to the benefits attached to these changes. In continuation to the first point above, ensure that your change gets you a positive fruit instead of a negative one, as creation is more powerful than destruction. Be it the change of quitting smoking or keeping your temper under control – think of the benefits of good health, calm mindset, more healthy relationships, long life etc. All these results are positive , that give mind the motivation to begin to adapt that change in order to achieve them for you.

3. Enjoy the process – The beginning can be really difficult but as you keep momentum and keep it going, you need to definitely enjoy that change process. The more you enjoy, the more it will make you happy and adaptive. Taking my own example, I had put on weight post my visit to New York and I did not do any physical activity, my food habits were bad and it began to show up on my weight easily. Then my friends suggested home workouts. These are those apps, videos that you can watch and work out when you have even 10-20 mins at home to spare. I began doing that. In the beginning it used to be painful as these were mostly high intensity workouts but eventually I started loving the fact that my heartbeats increased, I was sweating and also the pain in my muscles body etc was a wonderful feeling. I began to enjoy the process. Weekends I used to work out for an hour and when I saw the changes I fell in love with the process.

4. Take baby steps – Change requires efforts and for me efforts be it big or small did not matter, you do a one hour workout or a 10 mins HIIT or a 2 mins skipping. Every step you take will take you closer to your goal. We tend to forget that babysteps still move us forward. It is better to do or try and fail than not to attempt at all out of fear. With small steps you still get into the process.

5. Reward yourself – As I mentioned in my earlier blog as well, it is important to reward yourself for putting yourself to the process of change and emerging victorious. As any effort counts , big or small so does each victory or win big or small counts. When you reward yourself for the little changes, for the attempts, for the victories you only grow in the process and this improves your self esteem and you build your own self respect higher and higher in your own eyes. Dance is my reward for doing my best in workouts, dance makes me happy. I keep that momentum going.

6. Simplify the process – Change can be complex or simple, it is all how your behavior adapts to it. You can definitely structure and simplify your change process well so that it becomes easy for you to understand and also help your mind accept it for good. If your goal is to organize your home or learn cooking, start from the plan – map it out so you could adapt and make it a habit to work on it effectively.

7. Prepare for problems – What is change without problems? Your mind is aware that change means running into issues, obstacles, all kinds of fears which is why it does not accept change in the first go. There will be problems at every step but that should be seen as a hurdle that you can cross rather than stones of rocks that you cannot move or remove. All problems have solutions – you need to chalk out the best solution so that you step ahead and not stand wasting your time or losing focus of your goal. A secret I would like to share – every problem that you solve out, it’s your win it’s your victory. Think in those terms and let the season of change flourish.

8. Slower the better – For change to succeed, it is not only important to get ahead but also the pace of your work. Not necessary you should be in a competitive mode to adapt to change. It is your life, you decide your pace. It can happen that when you act in haste, you may end up with more issues and less clarity. That’s why it is important to keep the speed slow to adapt better and plan your moves accordingly. This also helps your mind to not hit the trigger button leading to chaos and fears.

9. Remain calm – Change can be really small or big and in any situation it is important to remain calm and take the next moves, and not step back at any moment. Do not let chaos hit your mind. You have to keep your calm and have a strong positive thought process to ensure a smooth transition for the change in your life. A friend of mine had her best friend staying with her for years together and when her friend moved to her home town she was left all alone. It took her sometime to move to a new place and live alone but eventually she started liking to live all by herself. She spent her time well, going to the gym, reading, cooking new dishes etc. A great change to embrace.

10. Monitor your behavior – Change brings a lot of behavioral changes. For example, for me workouts bring a sense of accomplishment, makes my day active, I’m more energetic throughout the day no matter how hectic it is. Plus gives me good confidence to look forward to a good day with the numerous things that I have to do. It can be as small as happiness or energy boost that you see.

11. Request feedback – Everytime you see a change taking place, always look back to introspect and see how that change has been. Has it helped you get better or you are still feeling stagnant?. Are you making good progress or need more motivation and push? Are you able to move to your goals or need to re work on your plans. Keep this thought process of evaluation on to ensure life is moving in the right direction of the change you aim to bring about.

Let the change you seek in life be the best for you. It’s your life, the successes you get map them. Be wary of the environment, adapt to change in the way I have tried to outline above. Identify what works, revisit your plan regularly. Keep practicing, seek help. Reward yourself. Look forward for the best, the change can give you – physically, emotionally, professionally or personally :).

Procrastination – The thief of our dreams!

“Not today” , “Let’s do it tomorrow”, “Not in the mood for it today” – our usual favourite dialogues for anything we want to do for the day – be it workouts, writing, hobbies, complete an assignment or homework, presentations or achieving your goals.

This attitude called ‘Procrastination‘ is the biggest disease of our minds and thief of time. How easy it is to put things to tomorrow right , we tend to begin doing this once and it easily becomes a habit for us. Missed a workout today or going to the gym? It’s okay, I’ll go tomorrow. Not in a mood today. Your children complain – “Not today dad/mom, tomorrow please”. This way they get used to the procrastination attitude.

Let’s think about how this attitude helps us and what we gain or lose from such an attitude. Putting things to tomorrow can make you feel at ease instantly. There is mental resistance to do things. The pressure might get lighter, you give your mind more freedom to relax, get into the casual attitude, your leisure extends, your more lazy yet relaxed, you continue doing things that bring you happiness (temporarily). This way your a happy soul – again for the time being.

Now moving to the cases on what you lose when you procrastinate –

– You get distracted and tend to waste your time putting off things for tomorrow. You are doing your favorite things like watching TV, Netflix, binging, partying, 24/7 on social media browsing, drinking every night, sleeping incessantly or just on the couch for hours. Does this give you any permanent benefit or achievement for life?? – No.

– The pressure does not lighten but instead gets increased cumulatively till the deadline date – Push to tomorrow means one day less, that means 29 days more. The number 29 gives you happiness? Good. Again the attitude of ‘tomorrow’ syncs in continuously for 3 days, that reduces your time to meet deadline. Reduction in timeline increases your pressure to meet deadlines within a short frame of time – Result – Stress.

– As days approach, the tension increases. Your project or presentation or your assignment is important you are giving your best in the last 5 days of your deadline but does not end up the best. Reason – Quality is compromised due to the struggling efforts put in within a short frame of time.

– Because of short time frame left, you lose out on better options or help. For example, your presentation could have been better with more research, inputs or ideas if you had the time. This opportunity stands lost because of less timeframe.

– The stress of deadlines or not going to the gym or doing your daily workouts starts showing up on your body and mind. The tension builds up on your mind, causing sleepless nights, bad food habits, no proper routine and your body starts to fatigue, get more lazy, lose out on shape, your stomach starts to bulge out, you get addicted to binging on sweets and fast food and results – more efforts to get back in shape, more distance from your goals and at the end regrets!.

The question is why do we procrastinate?? Basically because we are not very serious about things in life neither the things we are supposed to do fall under our priority categories. Time never stops for us but we do and this is our biggest mistake of losing out on time mainly. A whole year goes by doing things or meeting deadlines in fast forward mode. Doing nothing the first sets of days and slogging the whole night prior to the actual deadline date. Our focus is never on doing things because our importance and mind shifts to rest, leisure and relaxation which are more comfortable than workouts or doing what we had planned. Also when we attach joys to rest/relaxation we feel it’s permanent but it’s not. Our mind never goes on to the actual joy of end result of accomplishing something or completing a task. Have we ever thought how much happiness a workout today or a project completion effort would do?. We tend to have the mentality stating that instead of doing it on daily basis, I could do it later as doing little by little does not really help. We lack motivation to do things or are really hesitant to start. Also, our endless planning and hunger for perfection keeps us at the same level even years later.

The secret to achieving success is in your daily routine. The little efforts you put in on a daily basis definitely helps you meet your goals productively. If you don’t start doing the things you don’t feel like doing, you will wake up one year from today and be in exactly the same place. People of your age group or your friends will be at a higher position than you and you will be lamenting at the time you have lost.

Is there any solution to change the procrastinating attitude? Of course, there are. There are multiple solutions to stop yourself from putting things to tomorrow. Let me list them for you –

1. Make chunks of your goals – if you are having a goal of losing weight or keeping fit , make chunks of your goals – divide them into doable , easy to fit into your schedule on a daily basis and work on them. This way you reduce the burden or fear of accomplishing a big goal.

2. Reward yourself for every effort completed on your goals – The best way to encourage and appreciate your efforts is to reward yourself for the hard work done or on accomplishing the small chunks of your goals. This way it will help you look forward to and also double up your efforts for the taking the next steps of actions on your goals. For example – you could buy your favorite clothes, art stuff or something you like and wanted to have or just anything that makes you happy. Be mindful not to binge eat again as it does not serve as a reward instead could nullify your hard work on your efforts done.

3. Stop planning – The enormous planning that you put in has to someday end. End it now. Let your plans be flexible and adaptable to change. Begin to take that first step and see your adrenaline rush. You have a vision in mind for your goals or work, act upon it. Every vision without action is daydream. It is important to act. Remember, the best way to get things done is to simply begin.

4. Stop looking for perfection – If we focus on perfection and continue our delays we will end up not even trying what we had aimed to. Until you do not try, work, make mistakes, rectify, how will you reach the standards of perfection?. Perfection does not come with planning alone, it comes with working on your faults, getting better and better and keeping the consistency will help you reach the standards of perfection. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start getting excited about what could go right.

5. The 5 second rule – This rule helps to divert your mind every time you want to put things for tomorrow or get distracted by not-so-good things. Your mind has the power to shift focus from rest to action and that can definitely be done using this rule called This rule was designed by Mel Robbins, the famous motivational speaker who has the book titled the same. All you need to do is Everytime you feel the urge not to do your workout – close your eyes , fold your fists and count 5…4…3…2…1. This way you are commanding your mind to jump up, shift focus to doing than delaying. Try this formula a number of times it definitely helps. Mel Robbins also has another wonderful formula called “Do it anyway“. The magic of this formula is even though you’re held up or down with cold or waking up in the morning makes you feel lazy, tell yourself ‘Do it anyway’. After your workout, see the sense of accomplishment you feel on getting things done or completing the workout that sets your attitude on a different level altogether. The joy of overcoming the factors that were pulling you down is magical. Try that!!.

6. Keep reminding yourself of the end goal, tell people about your goal – It’s important to push yourself up , motivate and encourage to begin working on your goals or deadlines and this could only come if you remind yourself about the end goal – The Joy of achieving it, the sense of accomplishment and pride of having done, the way people will look upto you for achieving such success, the recognition and rewards that will follow etc. You could also tell people, discuss, argue on how you have this goal in life and you are working on it, it motivates you more to achieve it. Your mind receives signals that ‘yes, I need to get this done or accomplish this goal’. This way your mind is less distractive of procrastination.

Think positive, be positive about achieving your goals because it is necessary to keep your efforts going and never to lose heart at your failures or faults. Set your own deadlines for your smaller goals, when you achieve them see the sense of joy you get. Take help from others, if you are stuck at any stage of your actions because it helps you to remove all hurdles and work towards the end goal and not to remain stagnant at one level or lose focus of your achievements.

Remember, procrastination is the thief of dreams. Upto you to decide – You wanna put off for tomorrow , lose time and remain where you are or DO IT NOW and see yourself at a different level altogether. The choice is yours!!!

Do it now , sometimes later becomes never!!

Men’s day special – The mystical side to masculinity

Frankly I found it weird when I got to know we had an international men’s day celebrated every year in the month of November. I never thought if men should really be celebrated for their masculinity or physical strength or egoism or for being the top of everything (No offence please).

When I started my blogging journey I began to observe people and their lives in search of inspiring stories and I have definitely started looking at the positive side. This also holds true for seeing the positive side to men. The images I had of men were those who just couldn’t stand women riding or driving ahead of you or waiting in a queue before you or do not feel that women should be given equal rights like men. I somehow felt inferior with the mentality I came across of some men. But of late my thinking has changed. How you perceive the world, shapes your thinking and your thinking shapes your beliefs. It’s how you choose to see the world – either the glass is half filled with water or half empty.

Men are definitely good at heart be it with relationships, respect, knowledge, chivalry or good behavior. Men have a side to them that is very rare but turns out to be a gem when it is showcased. This blog is an exploration of that mystical side to masculinity.

I have definitely learnt and admired the men in my life – my father and brother. My father is very caring and loving when it comes to his family and is also expressive. When I was a little kid, my father would shower his love on me, cuddle me make me laugh. Whenever my mother scolded me, I knew I had my father backing me and I always loved that. I saw another side of his expressiveness when he was working abroad. His letters! These always showcased his love that I missed in his absence. His titles for my brother and me read – “My dearest sweetie pie loving cutie …. (My pet name lol) and all his caring questions on my school, studies and others – my father was a real good writer and his love came out in the choicest of words he used and I admired that. I guess that’s how I turned out to be a writer and poet myself.

In comparison to my father, my brother was just the opposite. He was very meek and all to himself. I found him strict at times too and never expressive – a common problem among men. Most men are like coconuts, hard on the outside soft in the inside. With their behavior or expressions they are never expressive. My brother was just that. I found him to be more queit and grumpy every time he got home. There were few times he would be in good mood and begin boxing with me, I loved that. And sometimes I used to give him surprises putting on his shirt which drowned me entirely or keep his favourite food covered under a dupatta and reveal it when he got back home from office. The smile on his face was something I always wanted to see – equivalent to switching on a light in a dark room – it’s always best to see him smile.

I had seen a few other sides to him – his chivalrous attitude, how caring he is as a colleague, as a manager, as a husband and a father. It came out in his behavior clearly and this change came exactly 20 years later with the birth of his children – a son and a daughter. The expressive father he is now is definitely a credit that his children should take. He talks to them openly, shares his knowledge on sports, studies, he plays with them, encourages them and appreciates them quite often. That’s the best part of him I have seen. I don’t agree to say that he did not appreciate me – he did and those were the best times when I actually felt my brother was proud of me and he acknowledged the fact that I was doing things for him.

Men are very thoughtful and dedicated to their relationships. I have seen that in my family and with my colleagues. Though women complain as to how much their husbands don’t get them gifts or take them out for shopping or fulfill their demands but the daily grind they go through everyday to earn for their families is their best contribution they could ever give. It is not easy but they do not crib. Men do their best to earn for their families so that their parents are in good comfort, their spouses are happy and their children are able to fulfill their dreams what they themselves could not do due to financial situations or other pressures. Their sacrifices go unnoticed. They try their best to handle every relationship and they do fail because they are not as expressive as women are and are not pro in cooking, cleaning etc. But little efforts they do like getting groceries or helping kids with homework, getting food or baby sitting their kids because their wives are at office , definitely calls for an appreciation.

Men in the corporate world also showcase their humble side and I’m glad I was able to observe that. My senior manager in New York is someone I admired a lot – at the age of 35 he was a pro. The energy, the knowledge he possessed was great. His chivalrous attitude was commendable. At a happy hour ( which was my first) I was very queit and took time to get along until the time he came sat next to me started conversing about India, our culture, offered me food as I did not drink and even took me along with other team mates for a karaoke night. I was touched by his humility. I’ve also met a single father parent recently and I have great respect for him because I had never come across a single father parent and to ensure your kid grows up with good upbringing, he is giving his best to his child and it’s clearly seen in his efforts and time he devotes to his child and the child’s behavior and attitude. Salute!!

Men do not express what they feel or their pain, holding feelings and emotions to themselves is a talent we should learn. I have come across many people who are away from their homes, earning for a living and get to go home just once or twice a year. Needs a lot of courage to do that. Their parents long to spend time with their sons but duty comes first and it is for a secure future that they are making such big sacrifices now. Quite some make phone calls, some video calls and that’s how their parents are in touch with them. They are unable to have a heartfelt conversation but the little they do is enough to give them strength. Men are definitely respectful. I have come across such colleagues of mine, and most are really respectable and well behaved, modest and even helpful. Not most of my colleagues come across as approachable but there were few to whom I could go with any doubts any questions during my initial days at office.

Recently in my office cab, I met a person who works for another team. He was so genuine and kind. Everytime there were three men and just me, he offered me the front seat to sit so that I do not feel uncomfortable and every time we were stuck at traffic , he ensured to grab something to eat and got more in quantity for all of us in the cab to have. All these little things are definitely commendable. I have also faced the opposite where men would prefer to take the first drop by diverting from the regular route. Such men lack respectability.

My main motto through this blog is to salute such men who do their best in life, handle responsibilities, have made numerous sacrifices that go unnoticed, handle work home families and even higher studies (one of my manager is a pro in it and that’s admirable), respect women and are modest in their behavior. Men are really selfless and helpful at times and in terms of friendships they are always there for their friends no matter what. I’m not going gaga about men or being biased in gender but some men truly deserve to be respected and given a salute for the examples they set.

Some men show their emotions which is good for them and others and the motivational speakers I follow on Instagram are an inspiration to me – their choice of words, their learning experiences, their motivational speeches are very inspiring. Such men respect lows and highs, ups and downs, circumstances and issues irrespective of gender. They are very humble and forthcoming. We all should learn from them and seek what’s best. Men do come across very practical, that does not mean they do not have emotions – they go through a lot but they are created in such a way that their hard cover moulds their softness within that none can see.

For all the men in your life readers, try to see their best side – the one that is always unnoticed, their motives and also their care that is never in their words but is hidden in their actions. If they make you laugh, treasure them. If you don’t see their pains, yet be calm and less demanding. If they show respect and are modest in their behavior, appreciate them. If they are queit, give them sometime to open up and share their views.

Kudos to such men – Thank you for being such an inspiration!!

Disclaimer – A lot of observations have gone in making the above points valid on this blog.

Lessons from our generations.

There has been a whole generation research done for our generations of Baby boomers to millennials to generation X and Y etc. And the parenting group among each generations have something to teach us.

Pure disclaimer : The facts that I am sharing below are purely related to my family , my parents, Grandparents only. I have observed their thought processes, the foundations of my family’s values and learnings that I have chosen to share my views on them.

To give a brief introduction to the generation divisions , those are listed below – (and I am going to strictly keep the recent ones post 1930 only) –

    • Traditionalists or Silent Generation: Born 1945 and before
    • Baby Boomers: Born 1946 – 1964.
    • Generation X: Born 1965 – 1976.
    • Millennials or Gen Y: Born 1977 – 1995.
    • Gen Z, iGen, or Centennials: Born 1996 – TBD.

1. The traditionalists (born 1945 and before) – This generation belongs to my grandparents. I haven’t seen my father’s side parents but I have definitely been under the care of my mother’s mother. My grandfather passed away when I turned a year old so I have not really known him but I had the chance to be with my grandmother until I finished my college as she passed away due to an ailment in 2011.

Around 20 years of having my grandmother around, I observed her to be a woman who was the bread maker to my family since her young days. Teaching Quran and Arabic to kids and adults at her home and by going to other’s homes, she was always on her feet. She preferred to walk every time she went out, she was an early bird in terms of waking up in the morning, taking bath, praying, preparing the room for the students to come and arranging everything. She gave cleanliness, her duties and responsibilities utmost priority. Other things like reading newspaper or arranging her clothes etc she would keep it for the night. She was a woman of respect in our society as she was the only lady who had been a Quran and Arabic tutor from decades. To us grandchildren, she was strict and at the same time she loved us all. Having 7 grand daughters staying in her house was definitely chaos but that’s how the home was sweet. To her children, she was a good mother trying to ensure her kids are settled and happy but those times of 1970s and 80s settling was utmost priority than their education or growth.

2. Baby boomers – My parents belong to this generation. Married at a very early age ( my mother was 17 years and my father was aged 20). My mother has been a pro in home making since her young days. Her biggest passion was cooking and she only excelled while handling her family her home. She loved dressing up and had really good hair during her teenage days. Following her mother’s footsteps my mother too preferred cleanliness over everything else. In terms of handling my brother and me, she has always given us the freedom to pursue things we love. With a middle class background, there were times where we faced financial issues but my parents did their best to keep us happy. From putting us to best schools, ensuring a great education to standing on our own feet they have been the biggest contributors. I always was passionate about stage, dance acts or acting etc. Inspite of being annoyed at my many demands for costumes, this and that my mother still allowed me to get ahead after a lot of hesitations. My father spent 30 years being self employed and then a complete decade in Saudi Arabia. He had a tough time being away from us kids with just 2 months of vacation after every 3.5 yrs of gap. He tried his best to pass on his love through his letters and phone calls. So my mother and my elder brother were my father to me during his absence. They gave me everything I asked for, my childhood was really best. My parents were slightly liberal in terms of maybe hobbies or passions but studies I chose the path that they suggested. Their main criteria was ensuring school college education was complete and job at your comfort. To support our family, my brother and I began to handle responsibilities. Both of us did not get much time to focus on what we actually wanted to pursue but we just went with family needs and flow.

3. Millennials – My brother, who is 13 years elder to me belongs to this generation. Born in 1978 he was meek, intelligent and all by himself. He could manage studies and work at a very young age including doing part time and college education. During my childhood he was equivalent to a father, taking up responsibilities , ensuring I did not miss dad as he was abroad. He took very good care of me, he knew my talents well – be it dance or singing or acting. When he attended my school annual day , I was performing the main role in the play on stage. As soon as it was done I rushed to meet my family and the first thing my brother said was – you should be an actor!! Haha! I wish I had to chance to. Currently he is a father to two beautiful kids. As a father, he is real good in understanding his children’s needs, allowing them to explore and grow, helps them with all his might. Ensures to spend the best time with them, groom them and also give them everything that he could not afford when he was a child. The freedom of allowing the kids to explore life on their own, giving them their space, enlightening them etc is the best thought process of this generation. My sister in law also belonging to this generation, is a woman of power, courage and goals. She independently handles her family responsibilities, she uses her free time handling a home library at her apartment which also has kids workshops being conducted and also takes great care of her kids. She has made sure that her kids get adequate sleep, play time and also study time when it comes to managing their schedules.

From all these generations, we learn how liberal each generation has become in each facets of life –

In expressing love – my grandmother never expressed in happiness but in anger. My mother loves me but never expressed in words, but her actions do. My brother and sister in law are able to shower their love on their kids in words and actions.

In taking life decisions – my grandparents were authoritative so they took their own decisions which their children silently followed. Be it for education or settling in life etc. My parents did not force us to go the path they suggested but due to circumstances we chose those ways. My brother and sister in law give their children freedom to decide what hobbies they want to pursue, what sport they want to learn, what activities they are aiming to take up and what future goals they want to achieve.

In seeking life adventures – During the traditionalists times, life was meant to be the way it was. No random decisions, no unusual paths to choose. For the baby boomers, it was the same situation but they tried to be liberal with their children to a certain extent. In case of millennials, they ensure to make the best of life given by doing their best from going on family trips to holidays or movies or even fun events.

In beliefs and values – The values that flow from one generation to another are always intact and the same whereas our beliefs have turned from being very conservative to liberal yet open. Our values like honesty, truthfulness, virtues etc have and will live on for years. Just our beliefs on politics, religion, society, children upbringing have changed.

Technological influences – Generations like traditionalists and baby boomers have never been exposed to technology like the millennials who are taking the world by storm with their technological discoveries and growth.

Each of our generations only allow us to learn from them and grow taking the best from them. I have learnt that the daily life grinding that my grandparents or parents preferred is not needed, you could also choose your own path and get ahead, with strong determination perfection and encouragement from your loved ones. I really ponder as to how our grandparents were so rigid yet so strong in holding family and values together, our parents so selfless yet so hard working and dedicated to their work , responsibilities and how our latest generation believes in smart work rather than hard work and also how they balance family life with other responsibilities. Each generation has its own beauty, it’s own strength.

We could debate, fight to emerge winners yet the win would be when all of us are together. Remember the story of your 5 fingers – they are all different in size, shape but when put together is when you have strength and you emerge victorious 🙂

The power of State!

Think of the moments you have been really ecstatic and happy, could be when your child was born, or you passed an exam or achieved accolades etc. Now think of the moments where you have just dipped down in your moods, felt low, sad, annoyed, depressed at times due to a loss of a family member, an event that happened unexpectedly, things went awry etc. Now these moments are two extremes of one person. We face both the good and the bad in our lives. Do you know what you call such moments ?? – it’s called a ‘state‘.

When you are happy, ecstatic, excited, joyful that’s your happy/progressive state, also called the Resourceful state. You want to do all the things during this time, you feel accomplished, you want to celebrate, you want to resolve issues etc. It is this state at which you are accessible to the resources around you. The other state where you feel low, unsatisfied, sad, depressed, you have unresolved issues, that’s your unhappy state, also called the Unresourceful state. This state does not allow you to make the optimum use of the resources available to you. You have it all that you need but when in this sad state, your senses do not allow you to make use of these resources available. This is your ‘stuck state‘. You feel stuck where you don’t perform well.

Have you ever realized how do these states get created ?? It is not by the people, the events that happen in your life, the tasks you do or the goals you set. These states get created by your responses on how you act and behave to the events that happen to you, to how people talk to you etc. The resources that I mentioned are your skills that are already existing in your body but the state in which you are in decides how these could be optimumly utilised. It is your responses that decide your destiny.

State is the reason for losing or gaining anything in life. How you react to things when they happen to you is in your hands. You cannot control the events that happen in your life, but you can definitely control how you can respond to them. Ever noticed people who faced hardships, losing their limbs in a dreaded train accident or losing their family to a fire mishap in the city or even getting almost killed by a horrifying accident that they could not control. For most people these incidents become a sign of death for them. They get afraid, lose hopes and get depressed by their loss. But there are some who win out of such situations, look at such incidents as opportunities and come out of them inspite of losing their vital body parts. I want to share such stories with you – to make you realize that your mind has the power to create your life in your terms.

I was in awe when I saw a 5 year old girl giving an audition for a dance show. I really loved dance but never got a chance to pursue it. I’m glad that today’s kids are able to pursue everything they want. But what really amazed me was the story of her dance teacher. When she called him on stage, everyone was stunned. He was a man in his 30s, wearing a stylish jacket and cap, looked smart but the only thing he did not have was his legs. It was shocking to know that he used his hands as his resources to teach this little girl dance moves – imagine of both hand n leg movements – All by his hands. The kid was also very smart to spend her time with him and learn all the moves so well that she was able to do full justice to her guru, her teacher by her performance. It showed that she was well groomed by a professional dancer but when it was this man, the respect for him only grew.

How do we react in such circumstances, a normal fracture, pain in the hand etc already make us feel horrible that we put a pause to everything that we love doing. We give up after a accident experience thinking it’s the end of life. If we lose our limbs or hands , you have given up hopes on living completely. I have come across such people. All your adversities can become opportunities – this can happen with you and only you. People will talk, give you advices, show their anger or frustration, make you feel like a handicap already but it is in you to decide how you want to take this – with an axe to cut these negative cords and fight back or gulp them down your throat with a pinch of salt.

The biggest challenge for a man is to shift from negative state to a positive state and within minutes. Do you think it’s possible?? Yes it is, you could do the shift anytime and that’s good news. You are able to replace it, your body is able to heal itself out of negative state. I will share with you the little things that you could do to bring that shift or change – you can reframe your mind with the below –

1. When any negative event happens, first thing you should do is ask these questions to yourself –

a) what can I learn from this problem?

b) is this situation perfect? ( Remember, nothing in this world is perfect).

c) what should I do? – think of the pros and cons of your reactions to such events.

d) what should I not do ? – you also need to be aware of these.

e) how to enjoy the process ? – this is in terms of your learning from such incidents.

Try the above using your five fingers of your hand. It will help you make real good decisions for your betterment.

Also easy tips to change your negative state –

2. Put on your favorite songs that help you soothe and relax.

3. Bring images of children in your mind – the sweet innocence, their smiles, their laughter. This instantly lightens up your mood.

4. Go for a walk in the park- you could change to positivity instantly.

5. Last but not the least – the 5 second rule – count from 5-4-3-2-1 to shift your focus from falling low with mood swings to happiness.

Remember, your change of state can decide your areas of development and improvement, as you know time is so precious. Upto you now – which state do you want to choose ?? :).